I want to take a shower.

Really, I want to take a long, hot bath -- one that doesn't resemble an awkward, lukewarm bullride. I truly love my PICC Line, and highly recommend them for anyone with a blood disorder (don't be scared of them, they are worth it). But man, I have to hold my right arm straight up to the sky the entire time I take what I call a *monkey-bath* -- it's a shallow, warm bath where I do a lot of light, soapy scrubbing (note to those with aplastic anemia, scratch yourself and you'll remember that you forgot your blood doesn't clot properly).

Boy. When it came to washing my hair at home for the first time after the hospital treatments (which was all I could blurrily think of those last two days of seven - bathbathbath. It wasn't vanity, it was necessity and respect for everyone within short distance of me.) Oh man, I got it All Wrong, getting my PICC Line dressing soaked, my insertion point burned and bled, scaring the ever-living hell out of me emotionally for the first time that I was never, ever going to get better. My poor mom -- she is a saint for taking care of me. I bawled like a baby as she reapplied my dressing, and slowly my PICC Line point healed again. But, it was real to me then.

So if you are googling by, trying to learn more about ITP and aplastic anemia, note this: Find a good doctor you trust (email me if you need to know the exceptional one I use), take your PICC Line, take your treatments, take your medicines religiously, and I will tell you -- things will get better, day-by-day. Oh, you won't think so, but they do. Any illness is a physical and emotional thing. Take care of your emotions, and you can climb mountains. You have to learn and relearn so many daily things you take for granted, don't give up.

For example, today I had to double my cyclosporin dosage, and it sucker-punched me, hard. Grabbed me by the throat, physically and emotionally, and made me remember, "Oh yeah, I remember this burn, this fear, this attack." Took me back to scared mode, one month ago, when I thought I'd never feel good again. But I do, and that burn means it's working. Or going to -- believe that it will work, take that punch.

Especially if you take the treatment ATGam and cyclosporine -- if you have general questions, feel free to email me. If nothing else from my experience, I'll give you tips I found like "tell them to give you Protonix before you begin taking cyclosporin caplets." You can read some fairly hopeless internet submissions on your blood disorder if you are researching, but don't listen. This is something curable. But it takes time.

Anyway, back to bubbly thoughts: I would love to submerge my arm and take those long hot baths I lived for. With bath bombs and bubbles and books. But that is more than just the smallest problem in the world. Everytime I reach up with that straight arm, I think about it this way: we are so fortunate to have a treatment for aplastic anemia. Even though it's hard waiting to see when I'll start making platelets again, so far, not yet. But my body has never been healthier and *rebooted* of any toxin (shoot, cheap red wine was about the most toxic thing I had in it). I finally asked my mother what happens if I don't make platelets again. She straightened her shoulders and said, "We try something else."

My point is: Like life, I try not to focus on what doesn't work, and focus on what does. I focus on how fortunate my life has become with treatment and transfusions to reboot from the inside-out with a new body and evolving new life and mind. As will yours, my life now revolves around numbers -- times to take pills religiously, platelet counts, days between doctor's visits, and medical costs. But the pros outweigh the cons. Remember, with aplastic anemia of this type, you have to live from the inside-out to rebuild. So, the best thing you can do while you are healing is give yourself mental peace, however you can. ITP-related disorders like mine and others can be set off by stress, I have read. And, I can tell you, I absolutely know it contributed to my case.

If I can say anything positive to help you out with any of my experience so far with ITP, aplastic anemia and any amateur research I'm doing regarding nutrition and other factors that may help you, again, email me. If I don't write back fairly quickly, I am probably in the bath, reaching my hand straight up to the sky where it belongs.

(Or, I'm researching nutritious recipes and products for you to try. Those are coming soon.)